The Real Grifter: Difference between revisions
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{{NSFW}} |
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I heard the stories; we all have. "The Grifter is some sick shit, yo! It will drive you insane!" I just wish I had listened. I would not be in this padded cell in some city in a country I haven't even heard of, with the dude in the cell next to me saying, "I'm the holder of my cock!" every night. |
I heard the stories; we all have. "The Grifter is some sick shit, yo! It will drive you insane!" I just wish I had listened. I would not be in this padded cell in some city in a country I haven't even heard of, with the dude in the cell next to me saying, "I'm the holder of my cock!" every night. |
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[[File:Sedan_Delivery.jpg|thumb|Don't trust people in flea markets.]] |
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I was in a shitty flea market in western Indiana when I found it: a really dusty VHS that said "The Grifter" on a cheap label. I asked the shopkeep the price, and he replied, "Tree fiddy." I was about to argue, since this was an obvious bootleg, and VHS tapes these days shouldn't cost more than fifty cents; when I realized that there was some strange, almost Jurassic quality flashing in this shopkeep's eyes. I said, "Fuck it. Here." After I paid him, I drove back to my house to watch it. Here my problems started. |
I was in a shitty flea market in western Indiana when I found it: a really dusty VHS that said "The Grifter" on a cheap label. I asked the shopkeep the price, and he replied, "Tree fiddy." I was about to argue, since this was an obvious bootleg, and VHS tapes these days shouldn't cost more than fifty cents; when I realized that there was some strange, almost Jurassic quality flashing in this shopkeep's eyes. I said, "Fuck it. Here." After I paid him, I drove back to my house to watch it. Here my problems started. |
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I realized that I haven't had a goddamned VCR in 11 years, so I called my friends. Only one had one, and he was too busy jacking it to furry porn to let me come get it. After I hung up, wondering why I was friends with him in the first place, I decided to go to Walmart. I searched the electronics section for a VCR to no avail. I asked the store clerk if they had any. He looked at me like I was stupid, and said, "Sure. We keep them next to the dodo eggs and whale oil. Can I also interest you in a state of the art butter churn?" |
I realized that I haven't had a goddamned VCR in 11 years, so I called my friends. Only one had one, and he was too busy jacking it to furry porn to let me come get it. After I hung up, wondering why I was friends with him in the first place, I decided to go to Walmart. I searched the electronics section for a VCR to no avail. I asked the store clerk if they had any. He looked at me like I was stupid, and said, "Sure. We keep them next to the dodo eggs and whale oil. Can I also interest you in a state of the art butter churn?" |
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After I had flipped him off and bitched to his manager, who promptly told me to, quote unquote, leave the store you fucking |
After I had flipped him off and bitched to his manager, who promptly told me to, quote unquote, leave the store you fucking dipshit, I made a mental note to shit in a random aisle next time. I tried Big Lots, Target, and the local Pawn-4-Buze, but I still had no luck. This was really fucking pissing me off. |
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I finally went back to the flea market where I bought the fucking tape in the first place, and asked the same dickhead who had sold me the VHS if he had a VCR. To my delight, he said he did. I asked the price, and about shit when he told me: Six hundred fucking dollars. "Are you out of your fucking mind?" "No," he replied. "Do you have any idea how hard these things are to find?" I had been saving up for a new PS4, so I had the cash, but I was still pissed at this turn of events. |
I finally went back to the flea market where I bought the fucking tape in the first place, and asked the same dickhead who had sold me the VHS if he had a VCR. To my delight, he said he did. I asked the price, and about shit when he told me: Six hundred fucking dollars. "Are you out of your fucking mind?" "No," he replied. "Do you have any idea how hard these things are to find?" I had been saving up for a new PS4, so I had the cash, but I was still pissed at this turn of events. |
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Curiosity won out though, so I bought the ridiculously overpriced VCR. "No returns!" the shopkeeper yelled as I left. I paid him no attention. I was about to see the holy grail of /x/.It was finally lining up. Cthulhu had ftagned long enough. |
Curiosity won out though, so I bought the ridiculously overpriced VCR. "No returns!" the shopkeeper yelled as I left. I paid him no attention. I was about to see the holy grail of /x/.It was finally lining up. Cthulhu had ftagned long enough. |
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I set everything up, and popped in the VHS. I saw the words, "The Grifter" in a spooky font. Then I heard a strange marimba beat start. The shopkeeper from the flea market appeared,and he started singing: |
I set everything up, and popped in the VHS. I saw the words, "The Grifter" in a spooky font. Then I heard a strange marimba beat start. The shopkeeper from the flea market appeared, and he started singing: |
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<poem><i> |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">I don suffer, no be small</span> |
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I don suffer, no be small |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">Upon say I get sense</span> |
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Upon say I get sense |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">Poverty no good at all, no</span> |
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Poverty no good at all, no |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">Na him make I join this business</span> |
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Na him make I join this business |
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419 no be thief, it's just a game |
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Everybody dey play am |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">Everybody dey play am</span> |
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If anybody fall mugu, |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">If anybody fall mugu,</span> |
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Ha, my brother I go chop am |
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National Airport na me get am |
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National Stadium na me build am |
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President na my sister brother |
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You be the mugu, I be the master |
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Oyinbo man I go chop your dollar |
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I go take your money and disappear |
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419 is just a game |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">419 is just a game</span> |
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You are the loser, I am the winner |
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The refinery na me get am |
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The contract, na you I go give am |
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But you go pay me small money make I bring am |
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You be the mugu, I be the master |
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Na me be the master oh |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">Na me be the master oh</span> |
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When Oyinbo play wayo |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">When Oyinbo play wayo</span> |
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Dem go say na new style |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">Dem go say na new style</span> |
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When country man do him own |
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Them go dey shout |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">Them go dey shout</span> |
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Bring am, kill am, die! |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">Bring am, kill am, die!</span> |
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But Oyinbo people greedy (dem greedy) |
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I say them greedy (dem greedy) |
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I don't see them tire |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">I don't see them tire</span> |
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That's why when they fall into my trap o |
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I dey show them fire |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">I dey show them fire</span> |
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National Airport na me get am |
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National Stadium na me build am |
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President na my sister brother |
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You be the mugu, I be the master |
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Oyinbo man I go chop your dollar |
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I go take your money and disappear |
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419 is just a game |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">419 is just a game</span> |
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You are the loser, I am the winner |
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The refinery na me get am |
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The contract, na you I go give am |
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But you go pay me small money make I bring am |
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You be the mugu, I be the master |
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Na me be the master oh |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">Na me be the master oh</span> |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">I don suffer, no be small</span> |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">Upon say I get sense</span> |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">Poverty no good at all, no</span> |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">Na him make I join this business</span> |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">419 no be thief, it's just a game</span> |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">Everybody dey play am</span> |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">If anybody fall mugu,</span> |
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<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:12px;line-height:normal;">Ha, my brother I go chop am.</span> |
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I don suffer, no be small |
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Upon say I get sense |
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Poverty no good at all, no |
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Na him make I join this business |
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419 no be thief, it's just a game |
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Everybody dey play am |
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If anybody fall mugu, |
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Ha, my brother I go chop am. |
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</i></poem> |
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Then it turned into a gay scat porn. I was so fucking pissed off, I blacked out. When I came to, I was in a padded room. They said I had started attacking random people with a hammer, and I was screaming, "WHO WAS PHONE MOTHERFUCKERS?! I'LL MAKE YOUR GODDAMNED SKELETONS JUMP OUT!" |
Then it turned into a gay scat porn. I was so fucking pissed off, I blacked out. When I came to, I was in a padded room. They said I had started attacking random people with a hammer, and I was screaming, "WHO WAS PHONE MOTHERFUCKERS?! I'LL MAKE YOUR GODDAMNED SKELETONS JUMP OUT!" |
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Well, this fucking sucks. |
Well, this fucking sucks. |
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---- |
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== Moral of the story == |
== Moral of the story == |
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Fuck outdated video formats. Also, don't trust whitey. |
Fuck outdated video formats. Also, don't trust whitey. |
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⚫ | |||
[[Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck]] |
[[Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck]] |
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[[Category:Lost Episodes]] |
[[Category:Lost Episodes]] |
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[[Category:WHO WAS PHONE?]] |
[[Category:WHO WAS PHONE?]] |
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[[Category:And then a skeleton popped out]] |
[[Category:And then a skeleton popped out]] |
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⚫ | |||
{{Comments}} |
{{Comments}} |