The Shit Pic
I don't even know how to describe this feeling. It's like I'm out of touch with reality, like it's become distorted.
Oh wait actually I just stood up too fast. Nevermind I'm fine, just needed to grab a soda from the fridge.
My dog was the best dog in the world. He was always happy and cheerful, and liked to take shits in places that he shouldn't. I called him Shithead.
One day, I was walking Shithead down the sidewalk. Just as usual, he'd stop every 100 feet or so to take a shit on someone's lawn. I was chuckling, "Oh Shithead, you rascal."
But I didn't see it coming when Shithead decided to pop a huge turd directly on top of a leprechaun he knocked down, who also happened to be in front of a bus. The bus didn't have time to stop, and both of them died.
Well, the leprechaun's brother held him in his arms or whatever. I was angry with him for letting my dog die. So, in memory of Shithead, I pooped in my hand and threw it at the leprechaun's face. I picked up Shithead's turd to preserve it in memory, and went home.
On the day of his funeral, I came with my friends dressed in brown, with some patches grass attached to various areas of my suit. I figured that's how Shithead would've liked to see me, just like the most important part of his life, grassy turds.
Well, during the funeral, some white guy handed me some photos of Shithead. I just figured he missed Shithead as well, even though literally no one else liked my dog due to the fact that he would always crap on their lawns while I laughed.
When I got back home, I sat down and took a look at the photos. I enjoyed the photos of him taking shits in various places, such as lawns, people's homes, restaurants, etc.
But then I noticed a strange picture. He was taking a shit on my neighbor's lawn, as usual, except... something was off. That was when I spotted it.
He was constipated.
I couldn't speak. I flipped the pages, and each time he was struggling to crap in inappropriate places. I finally reached the page where I couldn't take it anymore. I saw Shithead just staring at White House lawn with longing, just wishing he could take a million dumps all over it.
I broke down, and knew what I had to do. I went over to my neighbors house, rang the doorbell, ran back to the lawn, and proceeded to pull my pants down.
"What the fuck do you want? Wait... what the fuck are you doing?!"
I squatted, preparing to honor Shithead as I stared directly into my neighbors eyes, when... Oh god...
I was constipated.
Credited to herpbot
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