The Third Death of Jack Reacheround
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NSFW WARNING
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/u/teambob had been kind enough to narrate the first part of the story of how I had lost everything, so I made to visit him out in the Sydney billabongs to offer thanks and a reach around, a moment I thought would be poignant as what I had received from Jack Reacher were arguably just handjobs. This would present a challenge, since it was complicated enough traversing Australia while walking on my hands in the local fashion to prevent the blood all rushing to my head.
But just as I was wading elbow deep through the filth to perform this vital service, I received a message upon my phone. I had to stop and balance on one hand to read it.
".ooʇ ɯɐ I puɐ 'llᴉʞ sᴉ uoᴉʇɐɹɹɐu punoɹǝɥɔɐǝɹʞɔɐſ,"
NO! But sure enough, the post indeed had been removed. No one would ever learn what Jack had sacrificed for me, for you, for us all.... I replaced my phone and waddled as fast as my hands could carry me, just in time to spot the corpses of Teambob and Andrew Child sticking feet up out of the pools of mud that had once provided shelter. I wiped my tears from my eyes with my toes, and not a moment too soon, for I heard behind me the unmistakable laughter of Jeff Bezoz, no different than the day I had been neutered.
"Last story was meant to be the end, and even that was dragged out. I just don't like the cut of your jib so I purchased reddit so I could kill off Jack Reacher all over again! And there's nothing you can do to stop me!"
Words failed me on this occasion almost as badly as you doubtless consider they are right now, so I attempted to give pursuit to Bezoz. But alas he, being a Bezoid from the far off world of Blue Origin, that need store no blood in his pinhead like appendage, was able to walk around like a normal person on his feet even in hostile environments, and soon outpaced me, heading for one of his low quality spacecraft, made out of thousands of amazon cardboard boxes.
I prepared to watch helplessly as he jetted off to his homeworld, but just at the last minute, I realised his fatal mistake. He'd failed to understand Australian physics, and his rocket instead headed straight toward the ground, exploding on contact with the lethal earthworms in the soil. His body, sans arms and legs, and still on fire, was blasted across to land right beside me.
"You know what happens now Bezoz. I'm going to pull your dick off like Alan Richson did mine." But as I reached into his trousers, he had the last laugh. All I found was a Saudi Arabian listening post.
His last words were
"That's right, Bin Salman's owned my nuts for years! Don't you even read the news?"
Even in death, big business had triumphed over the little man
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Credited to scannerofcrap
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