Thomas the Hyper-Realistic Tank Engine: New 30th Anniversary Special Limited Edition Platinum XXX Lost Episodes That Was Never Meant To Be Seen DO NOT WATCH
The following is an entry from the Tumblr page that once belonged to Mr. John Armideus Smith, who was found dead in the parking lot of a porn store.
Sup bitches. I don't know if anyone will get this in time. I may be dead before anybody reads this, but even if I am, I wanted to get my story out onto the interwebs so that nobody else would make the same mistake that I did. I was stupid, I was gullible, and it put my life at risk.
It all started on March 47th of this year. I was leisurely browsing iFunny and I ran into a post containing a Thomas the Tank Engine meme. As soon as I saw it, the creepy face of a train that possesses the ability of human thought and speech gave me a surge of childhood nostalgia. I loved watching Thomas the Tank Engine as a kid. My memories are so vivid I can even remember that time my mother took me to a therapist because I was watching way too much Thomas.
"Good afternoon, ma'am. So, why have you come here today?" the therapist said, adjusting his reading glasses.
"It's not me," my obviously worried mother muttered, "it's my son. He..." She was incredibly reluctant to admit what she was troubled by. "He's addicted to Thomas the Tank Engine, and I'm worried about his health."
"Thomas the... Tank Engine?" he replied, sounding confused.
"Yes..." she confirmed.
The therapist took off his glasses and put them in his jacket pocket. "I see. Well, I... I don't know how to put this..."
At this point my mother was scared shitless. "Just spit it out!"
The therapist closed his eyes for a few seconds, then beamed. "I'm addicted to Thomas the Tank Engine too!"
My mother screamed in horror, and that's where my memory of the incident ends.
Anyway, my nostalgia got triggered after seeing the iFunny post and I got a raging boner. I started reminiscing over all of the times I had watching Thomas the Tank Engine. It was always my favorite anime; it's way better than that weeaboo trash like Sword Art Online. I decided to bring back all of my joyous memories by watching some of my favorite episodes. With that thought in mind, I logged onto ZippCast (yeah, I'm hipster like that, DEAL WITH IT) and searched for Thomas episodes. However, the only thing I found was a 7-second long video that was just a black screen and a block of white text. The text stated, "hey u dumbass wanna c sum lost Thomas episode luk in da discripshun ov da vidyo kthxbai" and it seemed very suspicious. I checked the description and all that was there was a fishy adfly link. Under normal circumstances I would just ignore this link, but my urge to relive my childhood was too great that I gave in to my inner demons and clicked the link anyway...
What did John find? Were the images that lay behind that link too hyper-realistic? Does John have erectile dysfunction? All these questions and more answered NEXT WEEK or some shit, whenever I finish this
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