Through the santa darkly
'we're lost bill, admit it! lost on christmas eve!'
'how can we be lost, there's only one road!' we'd been driving the same back road for hours. it was the only way up to my cousin tom's cabin. sure, sometimes there were other roads around, connecting to our road, going in the opposite direction or branching off but those were just distractions. how could we be lost?
'where is this cabin anyway? we were supposed to be there hours ago bill! some vacation this is turning out to be!'
'honey, can you calm down? i'd say we're just fifteen minutes away. can you just let me drive?'
'well alright. i guess i was getting a little worked up bu- BILL WATCH OUT FOR THE... AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!'
something hit the car with a thump 'oh jesus christ... jesus... oh god... what did i hit? don't be an elf don't be an elf don't be an elf.' was all i could think as i got out of the car. the figure on the road became clearer and as i approached it took the shape of a man. to my relief he was sitting up. maybe was just winded. 'oooooooh...' he groaned 'i think i'm winded...'
after apologizing until it lost all meaning, we couldn't just leave him so we decided to give him a ride up to the cabin with us and phone someone or something. 'are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable in the trunk?' my girlfriend asked. 'oooh no, i'm good, thanks though...' his tone lightened a bit, 'speaking of good... have you two been good?'
my girlfriend laughed. 'uumm, what exactly do you mean?'
'i mean have you been, oh i don't know... unfaithful to each other?'
'oh my god, how could you even ask that!' my girlfriend choked. i wasn't sure what the source of her shock was, but i could tell it wasn't only the audacity of the hitchhiker. i myself had questioned her loyalty all those nights she came home late from the office where her boyfriend worked.
'i'm sorry!' the man laughed, 'didn't mean to hit such a nerve! what i mean is one of you haven't, oh, i don't know, taken out a massive bank loan on the other's name have you?'
it was my turn to laugh but it came out as a few panicked huffs. 'whe, whe, well that's just crazy! even if one of us does have a crippling gambling addiction!'
the man in the back seat smiled.
'what do you want!' i cried, 'how do you know all of this! who sent you? whatever they're paying i'll double! after the bronco's game though because i've got a system and every sign points to a big payoff this time... but you know i'm good for it!'
'sorry guys' said the man in the back, 'you've both been very VERY naughty. looks like we're at the end of the line.' and we were. i eased the car to a stop at the dead end we'd reached. right there in the middle of the road was a towering pole and what looked like... 'my god!' i gasped. people. bodies impaled on this hideous pole.
'welcome.' said the stranger 'to the north pole.'
it was then that i noticed: he was santa.
Credited to lucktimedragon
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