What the Hell Is Cellulose Derivative J?

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I work at a chemical plant where we make chemicals and shit, or something. Some of the chemicals we use are dangerous and we have to be careful when we work with them. Yesterday, me and Jonesy (we call him Slow-Nose Jones for who knows why the fuck) were working with some of the chemicals when I accidentally spilled some of them on Jonesy.

"Ahh, damn," he said. "Hey Robbie, do me a favor and grab a few chemical wipes." He was talking to me. My name's Robbie. They usually call me "Giga-Dick Roberto," though, and I'll let you figure out why. ;)

I got some chemical wipes when suddenly the horror of the situation struck me. The chemical I spilled on him was Cellulose Derivative J. It was a known carcino-terato-zombification-ogen, according to the voices in my head. Welp, guess that was it for Jonesy.

I picked up a flamethrower that was next to the chemical wipes. "For emergencies only," the sign said. The sign that was next to it, I mean. Imma be straight with you, I'm still not 100% sure if that sign was referring to the flamethrower or the chemical wipes.

I returned to Jonesy bearing the apparatus of his demise, hoping it was fueled up and ready to go. Damn it, I don't remember whose turn it was to check the fuel levels last week... I hope it wasn't supposed to be me...

"Robbie - what the fuck?! Where did you get a flamethrower?!" yelled Jonesy. "I said 'chemical wipes,' right? Jeez, I'll get them myself-"

"NOT SO FAST, SATAN SPAWN" I shrieked in a vengeful fury at the monster Jonesy had become. "THE DEVIL'S LIQUOR SHALL CONSUME YOU NO MORE!"

"The devil's - what the fuck? You mean this cellulose shit?" pleaded Jonesy desperately, as though mercy would somehow visit him. "Robbie, it's just paper pulp shit. Check the MSDS, it's literally ten feet from where we are now-"

I silenced him forever by making him scream as I turned on the flamethrower. Then I burned down the rest of the factory just to be safe. Spooks would haunt those grounds no more! YAAAYYYYY!!!!


Credited to KTFNFAJ 

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