X-PLAY THE LOST EPISODE: ADAM SESSLER'S REVENGE
This is a story about a whale. NO! This is a story about being happy. NO!! This is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down, and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I ended up finding the LOST episode of X-Play by sitting on my ass and doing nothing.
You see, back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV Show - oh wait, wrong story. Back in 2019 I was an intern at Comcast and they let me see a bunch of hot new episodes. You might say that it's unrealistic for an intern to be shown all this private upcoming content, but have YOU ever been an intern for a large entertainment company? I rest my case. Anyways, they got me to see G4. 'Member G4? Pepperidge Farm remembers. They told me they were going to start filming next year, and then shit happened and blah blah blah they laid me off and yadda yadda yadda economy in shambles. I was desperately waiting for G4 to come out, although I technically already saw a trial run but shut the fuck up it's my story.
I was up at like 2 AM in the morning eating Hot Pockets when all of a sudden my live watching of G4 took an odd turn. In the middle of Ninja Warrior reruns there was a bumper that teased a "lost episode" of X-play. I checked the TV Guide and the episode was called "Adam Sessler Kills Everyone, Lol Fuck You."
I continued watching and the episode started with Adam Sessler staring at the screen for 2.59 minutes. He then started bleeding from his ears and then the image cut to a picture of Aloy from Horizon: Zero Dawn but with big tits. I mean, giant jugs. What I meant to say was MASSIVE MELONS! Then it cut to Adam Sessler but he was bleeding from the mouth this time. He jumpscared the screen by saying "STOP! DOING! SEXIST! CRAP!" And then it cut to Attack of the Show. What the fuck? Instead of Kevin Pereira it was Adam in the booth. He ranted about how he received a copy of Danganronpa S for the Nintendo Switch and how much he didn't like "weeb shit". This went on for 16.6907 seconds. Then he says he wants to "stay in theme" and dresses up as one of the guys from Squid Game. "This is probably the part where Sayori comes in and hangs herself, right?" I shouted to the TV screen "YOU GOT THE WRONG VISUAL NOVEL IDIOT!" and then Adam looked at me and replied, "What's the difference? They both have breast implanted anime bimbos with the personality of cardboard." HOW DID HE KNOW? HOW DID HE KNOW I WAS WATCHING?! I'M SO YIIKING OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!!1!!!1!!!!2!!!3!!4!56789!
There were people in the audience, tied up and crying. Adam Sessler then talked about the game, said it wasn't even a game, just "a high school drama written by James Wan if he was drunk and a dumb fuck". He then gestured to the audience and acknowledged he would have to kill them. They all started begging for mercy as he explained the reasons for them being here. "YOU are a Republican!" He pointed at one. "YOU didn't like The Last of Us 2!" He pointed at another. "AND YOU... YOU CUT IN LINE DURING THE MIDNIGHT PREMIERE OF THE PS5 AND XBOX SERIES X, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"
He then threw the Republican into a room filled with elephants. The elephants were branded with "Everyone who disagrees with me politically dies" stickers as they started trampling all over the guy, and HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD poured onto the screen. Then he turned to the Last of Us critic and forced him to play it until his fingers started to break and HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD poured from his eyes because he had to go through the shitty plotline all over again. Then the scalper got crushed to death by PS4's and Xbox One's as HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD stained the consoles. Then he turns to me and says "ASK ELFY!", only for the channel to switch to Adult Swim automatically.
Wait, I get it! The title "Adam Sessler Kills Everyone, Lol Fuck You" spells out the acronym that says Ask Elfy! How clever of a writer I am! Elfy the Elf on a Shelf looked to me, confused, and then jumped off the shelf and into a nearby garbage can.
I didn't pay to watch this episode, but I demand compensation for my time being wasted.
Credited to JustSomeWeirdBloke
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