The Snorks Lost Episode: Difference between revisions
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{{Note credit|This is a fictional joke story written by Schizima. Don't take it seriously.}}
Ever hear of The Snorks? I'm a lobster sexual. I turned myself into a lobster (like Rick Sanchez from Rick and Morty turned himself into a pickle) and I have sex with lobsters. Every morning I rub my cold crustacean claws on the makeshift cubicle tank I fill with water from the local sewer drain to enjoy soggy hot pockets, krill, sea urchins and hot pastrami filled with baby sealions. I was recently banned from the Red Lobster because I climbed into the tank and started hitting on the other hot and sexy
That's where I found the lost episode. It was my family reunion, and my father, who I had not seen for 20 years. The tape was given to me by a deep-sea captain who goes by the name of Captain Gorton, but before he could tell me the nature of the terrifying VHS, he was killed after an anchor crushed his head. I'm not taking about a device used to slow boats that are drifting through water; a news anchor murdered the sea captain, who was also my father. Needless to say, I have issues, and the reason I sexually identify as a lobster is because my father kept me in a temperature controlled tank filled with brine and placed rubber bands around my hands so that I wouldn't gouge the eyes out of my fellow lobsters in search of my prized sexual VHS tape.
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The episode was about being safe during a thunderstorm while using a toaster. It all made sense now. The Snorks were always family friendly and they were being friendly with friends and family right now. One of the snorks claimed he was searching for the lost gold of Sextus Pompeius, and then he murdered a homeless man with his shoe. He removed the homeless man, who had drowned, he removed his gold fillings, and began to sing a sea shanty as his eyeballs drifted through Davy Jones' Locker. I'm not talking about gym class. I'm talking about the homeless being murdered by a species of ancient sea dwellers while the American viewing public sits idle and does nothing! Why did no one ever do anything about this? Am I the only one who was paying attention?
"Watch the Snorks." A voice whispered. I'm pretty sure it was the VHS tape. One of the Snorks is shown having a baby. It was a red snork, and it had a red baby! What happened next truly disturbed me, One of the Snorks informed the other Snorks that Adolph Hitler, the notorious German dictator, was among them. Indeed, there was one Snork that looked German, and he red paint over a Charlie Chaplin-style mustache. But that wasn't Charlie Chaplin. Charlie Chaplin can't breathe under water, and I'm not even sure if Hitler could, but I'll tell you one thing- I'm fairly certain, I can say with reasonable
The Hitler Snork plugged a toaster into an electrical outlet. A seashell toaster that bakes hot sliced pearl bread. The Snorks' favorite food! Hitler plugged the toaster in and everyone was killed, and then Hitler Snork got into a tiny submarine and sped off, laughing, and laughing at what he had done. He crashed into a school of fish and the submarine exploded, killing countless sea life and making me question why I even bothered to go to animation school when this was what people were drawing.
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I was going to do it. I was going to find the Lost Treasure of the Snorks! I got in my 1987 Toyota Corolla and began driving into the Atlantic ocean. I know what you're thinking- cars can't swim, they will drown. I began eating some fried dough, my favorite food. That was when I saw the snorks, swimming, dancing, swaying. "Follow me!" One Snork went into a deep sea cave and my car got stuck, the portable generator caught fire and the VHS tape player stopped working. I was trying my best to following along, but dated technology and a pencheant for fried dough will only get you so far, and I began huffing, and wheezing, and crying, as I saw a long tube squeeze through the rolled up window.
I was dragged along the seafloor of the Atlantic ocean, as none of the snorks spoke. My corpse was taken to the Snork high council, a group of robed individuals who decide the fates of deep sea maritime travelers who find out too much too soon. The snork that had given me oxygen had died, and it was turned into a biological battery that was now sucking in oxygen through a filtration system to pump into my veins. The dead Snork dangled from my neck as I drifted up the pearl staircase to address these distinguished deep sea dwellers.
They informed me that the reason the Snorks were so colorful was because they were trying to keep the population colorful through eugenics. I couldn't hear very well because I was in the ocean and there was a lot of sounds of whales fucking each other in the ass, but most Snorks are murdered at birth to control the population and ensure they look pretty, and refined, for the television, viewing public. He explained that sometimes multiculturalism is bad, if you use it to kill off 90% of the population to get a society that looks like a bag of M & M's. He explained that he told the cartoonist to draw Hitler in the tape because he himself was a
My dead father, who was also buried at sea, if you don't know who he is, I am the heir of Gorton's fish products. Captain Gorton, who once sold frozen fish sticks addressed the high council. "Don't turn out like
My father's skeleton was holding a fork, outstretched. I picked it up and inserted it into the toaster. I inserted, and inserted the fork into the toaster. Inserting, harder, and faster, and harder. The entire ocean exploded into electricity, and
I fell over, naked, bleeding and cold. The
Do you remember on the later seasons of Full House, Wake up San Francisco? You remember, I know you
Bob Saget, who played Danny Tanner on full house, randomly walked in, but he looked almost 30 years younger. I then realized he had women's mascara on his face, and was smiling, pretending to be Bob Saget from America's Funniest Home Videos in the early 90s. But it was old Saget. No one was allowed, in, flu virus. We were all alone, and I was the only participant. He had a shirt of the snorks on, but this now seemed entirely irrelevant. 'Come get your cash prize." He took off his shoe and threw it at me, as I ran naked through the studio, accidently breaking a cardboard grandmother. "Son..." he said. I screamed, and screamed, as a commercial for Gorton's Fish Sticks played, in highly graphic detail. Except instead of fish sticks, they looked
Gorton's fish
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